Dear Mr. Know-it-all Einstein,

My human started reading your column a while back. Before I could say, “life sentence” she took your advice and locked me up. Now I’m stuck on the inside. Thanks a lot, pal. I used to climb trees, eat lizards and spray my next door neighbor’s new Smart Car. There’s nothing to eat in this joint but dry crud, and nothing to do but chew on potted plants and attack my human mom’s ankles. Can she carry on when claws come into contact with skin! You’d think I broke her thumb. She’s always screaming or hitting me with a newspaper. She overestimates the power of the press! Maybe if I make her mad enough, she’ll throw me back outside again. And when that day comes, look out. I’m coming after you. Don’t be surprised when you find a severed mouse head in your cat bed.

Capone

Hey Al,

I sense some hostility here. You can thank me very much cuz you’re no longer at risk of turning into a Porsche pancake, getting one of those fatal F diseases (feline leukemia or feline immunodeficiency virus) or turning into a bulls-eye for a neighbor who doesn’t appreciate you fertilizing his rose garden. But you’ve got my sympathy about being stuck in the big house with nothing to do.

Since kitties can’t do Sudoku, your mom needs to provide you with something interesting activities during the day. A word to mom (five words, really) “screaming or hitting doesn’t work.” But it will make kitties want to avoid the insane woman who’s waving her hands and jumping up and down. Instead of doing a Mommy Dearest impersonation, Mom should redirect your attention to some acceptable activities.

Besides, what your mom call misbehaving is just natural feline behavior. Scratching furniture, jumping on the counter, climbing curtains, and attacking feet—they’re the same actions you’d be enjoying if you still lived outside. Unfortunately, these activities don’t translate well to living inside a home. So Mom needs to take the time to understand your needs and let you do what comes naturally without the property damage. She can start by making the inside feel like the outside.

Humans tend to look at their surroundings one dimensionally—at ground level. But we kitties have a much more imaginative view of their world. We live life in three full dimensions. In the wild, scaling trees is more than just a way to stay buff and impress the ladies. A wild kitty climbs trees to escape larger, more powerful predators. From an elevated position he can watch for prey. Cuz climbing and hiding are so important for survival, they’re hard-wired into our plum sized brains. Bottom line: cats prefer the penthouse to the basement.

Your people can create a more fun and secure environment by setting up tall cat trees and/or window perches. If mom’s on a tight budget, she can create a penthouse by clearing a bookshelf or placing a towel on the top of the refrigerator.

And to keep your muscles tight and taunt, and to prevent your tummy from flopping back and forth when you run, you need to play with some toys that fly like a bird. (Not to be confused with singing like a bird.)

Humans should have 20 minutes of exercise a day to stay healthy. So do kitties. Exercise increases serotonin in both humans and cats. Serotonin is found in Prozac. Low serotonin causes depression and makes a cat grumpy and increases aggression. Sound like anyone you know? Higher serotonin levels make you feel happy and self-confident. In nature, kitties don’t need to go to the gym. We sleep 70 percent of the time, and we spend our waking hours chasing things and climbing trees.

My cat behaviorist buddy Dr. Nicholas Dodman says, “A tired cat is a good cat.” As with humans, only 10 minutes twice a day is all it takes to stay athletic and muscular.

Humans use the term play, but for we kitties, play is serious business. Fun, but serious. Our play always involves our favorite topic: food. Play is all about honing our hunting skills. Kitties usually hunt four styles of prey: bird, reptiles, insects and of course, rodents. Different kitties have different prey preferences. Your mom can find cat toys to mimic each kind of prey.

Few kitties can resist a toy called DaBird. The spinning lure on a string sounds like beating wings. Kitties can’t resist it! I know I can’t. Your owner needs to get off of her fat tail in order to your get you off of your fat tail.

Now, kitties aren’t stupid. Humans can’t just shake the toy in front of us and expect a presidential reception. To create a convincing bird, Mom should pay attention to a kitty’s natural hunting technique. Mom should fly it around, let you catch it and then let it struggle away from you. Birds fly high and then low near the ground. Don’t keep the toy in motion all the time. Attention humans: Swinging it around in the air so we can’t touch it isn’t fun.

For earthbound prey the cat will stalk it, watching it scurry. Then, kitty will sneak up, close enough for the ambush. When a mouse sees the mighty hunter, he will run a little ways and stop, look around and then run again. Any time you play a “kill the mouse”, you need lots of chances to catch him.

After 10 minutes of this, you’re ready for a little breather. The final time you catch the toy, it needs to thrash around, quiver for a while and then “die” right there in your claws. Poor Mickey. Of course, every successful hunt is rewarded with a full stomach, so dinner should follow every play session. Your “victim” should be rest in peace in a morgue (closet) until it’s time to come to life again. If you tend to look for action while mom’s away at work, Mom can pick up the dry food bowls and put out treat balls filled with kibble (not treats). It won’t take long for you to figure out you can spend the day pushing the ball around with your nose or paw.

If you’re an older dude, or you have an XL girth, your mom might want to offer you the slithering reptile or mouse hunt along the floor. It’s more low-impact avian aerobics.

Hopefully all that climbing and hunting will keep you so tired I won’t have to watch my tail or worry about waking up tomorrow, sleeping with the fishes.

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Einstein says thanks for the info to Michael R. Lappin, DVM, PhD, a researcher with the Department of Clinical Sciences at Colorado State University College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences; Robert Munger, DVM, DACVO with the Animal Ophthalmology Clinic, Dallas, TX; Drew D. Weigner, DVM, ABVP of the Atlanta-area clinic, The Cat Doctor; and Michael Stone DVM, Diplomate ACVIM at Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University for sharing their research and wisdom with him.