Help me, Einstein,

I used to be a happy girl, but lately when my human mom touches me I give her a warning nip. Sometimes when I’m hiding, she drags me out from under the bed and expects me to be friendly. I’ll do my Garbo "I want to be alone” impression with a little swat for punctuation, and Mom gets her nose out of joint. I’m so careful; she doesn’t even bleed! I’m just trying to let her know how bad I feel. Instead of apologizing for hurting me, she gets mad, and pops me on the nose. Other times I cry out loud to tell her when something aches, and she yells at me to shut up. How can I get across to her that I need help?

Greta

Hey Gret,

Really, humans can be such drama queens! You’re not imitating Freddie Kruger; you’re sending out a distress signal. Happy, friendly cats don’t suddenly scratch or scream for no reason. Too many kitties like you get dumped at the pound cuz their human think they’re aggressive. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of demand for kitties who want to gnaw off their owner’s hand.

Whenever your behavior changes your mom should send you on an all-expense round-trip excursion to your vet’s office. You certainly don’t deserve a slap on the nose.

Almost anything can cause you to feel down in the fang, including a mouth that smarts. Pain will, after all, cause humans to yell at their kids or snap at their spouses; we kitties act the same way.

Unfortunately, older kitties have more than their fair share of aches and pains to react to. An arthritis kitty will cry out, “Ow, ow, ow,” when her joints are predicting rain more accurately than The Weather Channel. Deaf kitties may excise a pound of flesh accidentally if they’re not expecting someone to touch them. Like Granny who talks way too loud, deafness can make a kitty speak louder than normal SINCE SHE CAN’T HEAR HOW LOUD SHE’S MEOWING! Senior moments can also make a kitty talk to the walls and ask, “Where did I leave my food bowl?”

Your people might take a peek at your nails. Older kitties need some extra attention in the pedicure department and your owners may not notice that your claws have grown into the paw pads.

While older kitties may have more than their share of affliction-inspired grumpiness, they don’t have a monopoly on it. Any pain can cause kitties of every age to bite the hand that feeds them. Things as easily treatable as fleas, internal parasites and matted fur can make us chatty catties or just plain nasty. Even an old-fashioned toothache can make a peaceable puss go absolutely postal.

Here are some of the most serious diseases that can make you more than a little pet-ulant:

Hypertension (vet-ese for high blood pressure) is called the silent killer, even though it’s one of the most common causes of those deafening nighttime arias. Some vets believe it causes killer kitty headaches that make you to cry out, “Help me. I need an icepack!” It can damage your brain, heart, kidneys and blood vessels causing numbness, cognitive problems, seizures, strokes and aggression. In humans, stress causes hypertension. Fortunately, we kitties don’t have to worry about catty bosses, plummeting investments, and sending kits to college. Besides, vets don’t believe stress causes our high blood pressure. Hypertension often accompanies other behavior-changing ailments like kidney disease, thyroid disease or diabetes—in that order. Vets treat hypertension with calcium channel blockers or beta blockers (not the fish) and cutting back on sodium in your diet. If you’re treated for a disease that triggers high blood pressure, the hypertension often resolves itself. Once that happens, you should start feeling better. If it’s not treated you might need to get yourself a Guide Dog cuz high blood pressure can cause your retinas to detach. Before you can say Helen Keller, you’re blind. If your eyes suddenly dilate get to a vet post haste for a blood pressure check.

Hyperthyroidism is another condition that will help you qualify for a dog-calling event. Early on you seem like a lean mean mouse-hunting machine, when you’re really burning yourself out. The thyroid gland acts as the body’s thermostat, controlling how fast or slow the metabolism operates. Hyperthyroid cats’ thermostats are always stuck in the “ON” position. Cuz the body produces more thyroid hormone than it should, they operate at light speed. While we’d all like to keep our youthful figures, hyperthyroid cats go to extremes. Even they eat enough to satisfy a humpback, they take on that anorexic French model look. They drink more water, too. What goes in must come out. That means they pee more. Sometimes they start peeing outside the litter box. It usually shows up in kitties who have made nine trips around the Sun (that’s 48 years in cat astronomy) but it can hit kitties as young as six.

Hyperthyroidism can cause high blood pressure to soar, which takes us back to the brain-busting headaches and talking, talking, talking. When we’re pumped up with thyroid, we can become irritable and anxious. We might start biting or swatting at people. We may have to join the Hair Club for Cats cuz sometimes we lose patches of fur. Hyperthyroidism is diagnosed with a blood test and vets treat it with cheap drugs, so any anyone should be able to afford to slow the thyroid flow. Sometimes they go with a radiation treatment—a one-time shot of radioactive iodine. Recovering cats really do turn radioactive for a few weeks. During that time vets monitor the kitty’s radiation level with a Geiger counter. And talk about toxic waste. Litter box attendants may not have to wear lead bloomers, but they do have to be very careful about handling radioactive cat poop. After the Chernobyl treatment is completely finished, kitties should need no more therapy. That beats the good old days when vets sometimes removed the thyroid gland. Fortunately, but they don’t do that much anymore.

Feline Herpesvirus sometimes gives rise to painfully inflamed gums or conjunctivitis (swelling of the lining around the eye.) Believe me, having an infected mouth or swollen eyes hurts worse (I’ve heard) than a new pair of four-inch heels.

Hyperesthesia, which means “sensitivity to touch,” could certainly cause kitties to bite the hand that feeds us. It’s called “skin crawling disease cuz your skin twitches and ripples when someone touches you. Sometimes for no reason you leap into the air, cry out, and then streak around the house as if you had a Tasmanian devil tied to your tail. These kitties strike out at their people because they’re sensitive to touch. The more stimulated kitties become, the more likely they are to have an episode, and I’m not talking about Star Trek: The Manx Generation. Some of the smart researchers think it could be a form of epilepsy cuz hyperesthesia kitties often respond to anti-seizure medication. Even if you don’t suffer from hyperesthesia, you may just have a sensitive constitution. My mama, Miss Kitty, always said, “Everything in moderation.” That can be true of petting. In sensitive kitties, petting can quickly turn from pleasurable to painful. You give the human a two-minute (or maybe two second) warning with your ears or tail and then nail them. Humans who get attacked during a love-fest would be smart to stop petting if they see you become restless, twitch your tail, move your ears back and forth, or if you begin easing your face toward the hand. If they don’t the blood sacrifices are at hand.

Most humans and dogs aren’t afraid to let on that they’re feeling green around the whiskers, but we kitties aren’t terribly forthcoming about our ill health. Since sick kitties are easy pickings for coyotes and big dogs, we’re hardwired to act as if we’re in high catnip when we’re really up to our whiskers in crabgrass. Dr. Jim Richards, the late director of the Cornell Feline Health Center told me on many occasions, “Cats are masters at hiding illness.” Ain’t it the truth! All your mom needs to do is put two and two together and that equals a trip to the vet.

So your people need watch for hints that you’re feeling like something the pooch left in the yard. They should take you to vet whenever they notice you acting differently: eating more, not eating at all, dropping food, suddenly active, suddenly listless, hiding, biting, scratching, vocalizing, peeing or pooping someplace beside the litter box. While I’m no fan of sharp metal things, any time you suddenly start biting, your mom needs to take you on a road trip to vet to find out the cause for the Nosferatu impersonation. Hopefully it won’t be long before you can show them that you really do prefer purring to piercing too.

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Thanks to Jeanne Pittari, DVM, ABVP of Memorial Cat Hospital in Houston, Texas, Drew D. Weigner, DVM, ABVP a cat specialist in the Greater Atlanta area, and Dr. Patricia Hague, DVM, of the Cat Hospital of Coppell for sharing their smarts.