Help me, Einstein,

My people put my litter box in the basement because they didn’t want to smell it. I try to make it down there, but it hurts so much to get up and down the stairs, I’ve just given up. Now they are saying I’ve gotten senile with Old Timer’s disease, and it may be time to put me to sleep. I get the impression a good afternoon’s snooze isn’t what they’re talking about.

Golden Oldie

Hey Goldie,

Humans are really dense creatures. They’re not terribly patient either. Your vet needs to give your owners a Senior Cat-izen 101 course.

Lesson number one: Old pusses aren’t that different from old people. We definitely have our senior moments. And when it comes to bathroom problems, yep, we have those too. But that’s no reason for your people to set a date with death. They don’t plan to introduce their grandmother to Dr. Kevorkian just cuz she forgets her Depends.

Thanks to advances in medicine, both pusses and people are living longer. With longer lifespans come more, uh, problems. That explains the plague of television commercials hawking Viagra, Flomax and Depends.

Those smart guys at Cornell tell me they start calling we kitties “senior” sometime between our seventh and tenth birthday. That’s when our bodies start to slow down. By the time we get to 12, we’re called “geriatric.”

You’ve heard the old saying that one human year is worth seven cat years. It’s not exactly accurate. Because kitties grow up fast, a one-year-old kitty would be the same physical age as a human turning 16; a two-year-old kitty would be 21. After that, for every trip around the sun you add four years. So, a 15-year-old kitty would be like a 73-year-old person and a 20-year-old kitty would be 93. That’s old in anyone’s years.

According to the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest cat on record was a Texan named Crème Puff. He was born August 3rd, 1967 and assumed room temperature on August 6, 2005 at the ripe old age of 38 years and 3 days.

When we kitties reach our senior years, close encounters of the veterinary kind should become semiannual events. Once a year won’t do the trick any longer. After all, if your vet only gets her mitts on you once a year, that’s the equivalent of your owners seeing their docs every four years. While most human guys may say that’s still too often, a lot can happen in that amount of time. So the smart cats at the American Animal Hospital Association say we older kitties need to see our vet twice a year to catch health problems early. After all, older immune systems can’t fight off infections and viruses like younger bodies could, and some things just start going wrong.

Goldie, you could be missing the box for a lot of reasons. Arthritis, kidney or thyroid disease, diabetes, and let’s not forget kitty Alzheimer’s. Humans have the same problems with the same outcome.

When a well-mannered cat suddenly starts peeing or pooping outside the box or biting, that’s usually an S.O.S. If your people don’t understand Morris Code, your vet may be able to read bodily fluids. Ordinarily I’m not a fan of pointy objects, but a couple of little sticks may be the key to everyone living happily ever after. And in your case, it might be the key to just living. Your pee may tell your vet you have a bladder infection or stones. A close look at poop may reveal a crop of worms, and I’m not talking the red wiggler fishing types. Blood will let the vet know about other (hopefully treatable) issues like thyroid or kidney disease or diabetes. Once they know what’s making you feel like something the cat dragged in, your people can help you get back on track. Your problem could be some as simple as parasites or as serious as cancer. Even though some of these old age problems aren’t curable, many of them are treatable, and that translates to us being a lot more comfortable and maybe the house smelling better.

Your people shouldn’t ignore changes just cuz you’re getting long of fang. Any time you look or act different, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your vet. Deep down inside we kitties are actors who could rival . We’re experts at hiding that were not feeling well. After all, in the wild we’re little bitty predators. With the exception of bunnies and rats, every carnivore within a mile would like to invite us to dinner. And since a sick cat is easy pickings, and therefore at the top of the menu, we don’t show we’re sick often until it’s too late for your vet to help. So your owner and your vet have to make sure you’re not trying to slide one past them.

When you go to your vet he’s likely to discover you have arthritis. That’s probably going to contribute to your potty problem.

Your owners may not have noticed that yet cuz like most kitties, you probably still manage to move around the house. But getting to your food, water and the litter box (especially if stairs are involved) might not be worth the pain you feel.

Your people don’t make their 90-year-old Granny hike downstairs to use the bathroom. Why should they expect you to? When joints start creaking like an old hinge, they need to put more litter boxes out for you. No more stairs. And not just any old box. You need facilities with low sides that you can just step into it without having to qualify for the Olympic standing broad jump event.

Your vet can prescribe some meds to helps ease your aches. Red Deer Antler Velvet (www.tobinfarms.com) can also make walking feel less like being drawn and quartered and more like the old you. (Chinese and European studies show the antler velvet is helpful to old kidneys too.)

Your people might want to take a look at your paws. Older kitties need to have their nails clipped more frequently than younger kitties. Young cats shed the outer nail, or sheath, when they scratch the sofa or carpet. Since senior kitties don’t scratch as much, their claws just get longer and thicker. Sometimes they get so long that the nails grow right into our pads. Ouch!

There are other reasons for the dreaded litter box issue. Can I be frank here? As we age, we tend to pee more for a number of reasons. Our kidneys may not be as efficient, we might drink more because we have diabetes or hyperthyroidism. And cuz we go more often, the box get ickier faster. It’s not like they put a flush handle on most boxes. If your people don’t pick up on the need for additional pick up, they might have to swab up the floor.

But your people need to remember that any change in habits justifies a visit to the vet.

If you start losing weight and become more active or more talkative you might be hyperthyroid. When that happens, your metabolism starts working so hard that those pounds just melt away. If hyperthyroidism isn’t treated, you could develop life-threatening heart and liver problems.

They should take you to the vet if you’re missing the box, if you become more active or less active, or you start eating or drinking more or less. These are all signs that something could be amiss.

Like elder Americans, older felines may become forgetful. Vets call it cognitive dysfunction. Some say it’s Kitty Alzheimer’s. You may not respond to sights, sounds and smells the way you used to. (Of course, that could be cuz your eyes, ears and nose don’t work like they used to.) Some kitties act confused. You might go from Granny to Grumpy or cry out during the middle of the night. (And if Goldie ain’t sleeping, nobody’s sleeping.) Sometimes you may not recognize your own family and you might find yourself walking around in circles talking to yourself. It’s as you’re asking, “What was I doing?” Other kitties may not want to be left alone. Like older people, old kitties just flat don’t like change. So your people should make adjustments gradually and try to keep stress to a minimum. During chaotic times stress can be reduced with heaping helpings of attention.

Biting could be caused by kitty Alzheimer’s or you could be grumpy because your arthritis makes petting hurt. A toothache could also make you lash out. Like most of our older feline fraternal types, I’m sure you don’t want to your mouth to be manhandled, especially if it hurts. Your mom can trick you into checking for mouthie ouwies. While she’s giving you the pets you deserve, you know—scratching around your ears and cheeks—she can lift up your top lips with her thumb and forefinger and check out your gums and teeth. The back teeth are still tricky to get a glance at. If she can’t sneak a peak of your molars, she should at least take a sniff. Doggy breath is reserved for the canine of the species. So if your breath resembles the family’s Spitz, it’s off to the vet’s. While she’s in the probing mood she can give you a nice little massage and check for lumps and bumps.

A dental disease or a kitty cold could make you lose your appetite cuz it hurts to eat or you can’t smell your dinner. If your vet rules out serious ailments, dental disease and arthritis, she may decide that anti-anxiety meds are just what the doctor ordered.

Older kitties need to be brushed more often, cuz sometimes grooming is just too much work. A soft rubbery blue brush called a Zoom Groom for cats (available at most pet supply stores) feels good and pulls out a lot of loose hair. Regular brushing has the added advantage of cutting down on hairballs and increasing circulation. But your human needs to be careful while she’s brandishing the brush. Old kitty skin is thinner and less elastic than our younger counterparts, so we’re more prone to skin conditions and injuries just like old people. If your human takes times to give you a daily comb-though, that means you won’t be recycling that loose hair into gastric landmines.

Like humans, older kitties tend to pack on the pounds. A human fat cat may wind up in a board room, but a feline fat cat is asking for trouble. Fat old kitties are likely to get a laundry list of illnesses including arthritis, diabetes just for starters. And bloated brothers aren’t too good in the hygiene department cuz they can’t reach those more personal areas that need to be freshened up regularly. Old guys only need 2/3 the number of calories the youngsters need. But you shouldn’t go on a crash diet cuz you might just crash in a big way. Losing weight too quickly can cause hepatic lipidosis. It’s also called fatty liver disease. It develops when kitties suddenly stop eating (as with a painful mouth) or lose weight too fast. So if your owner wants to put you on the Catkins diet, she should talk to your vet first, and take it slooow. To make sure you’re not taking in too many calories or too much protein (which isn’t great for your kidneys) your mom should check the cat food labels to make sure they say the food is formulated for, “senior” or “old guys”.

Goldie, get up off your tail and get a little low-impact exercise. Maybe your mom can coax you to chase a feather toy across the floor—no jumping—a couple of times a day. That will help keep your weight under control and help keep your Arthur-it is from getting worse.

Not all cats get fat. Other kitties turn into skeletons when they get old. Sometimes that’s just part of accumulating years. But sudden weight loss can be caused by lots of bad stuff including hyperthyroidism, liver or kidney disease, diabetes, cancer and also those pesky painful teeth. Your mom would be wise to weigh you every month and jot it down on a calendar. That way she can call your vet if the numbers on the scales start to head south.

Another reason the kitty appetite wanes as we gray, is like everything else, our noses don’t work like they used to. If you turn up your nose at what used to be your favorite feed, your mom might want to switch from dry to canned. If you already find wet food in your food bowl, she might want to warm it in the microwave. Kitties prefer their dinner to be 97 to 99 degrees, about the body temperature of a mouse.

Like smell, the other senses are likely to take early retirement. Kitties who lose their hearing or vision do just fine, unless they lose them at the same time. Your vet can see if you just need a good ear cleaning. Blind kitties get around familiar areas just fine, providing your mom doesn’t get the decorating bug and move the furniture around.

Stuff happens and so does old age (if you’re lucky enough to live that long.) Your body’s going to change. Unfortunately, even those smart vets with all their fancy meds can’t stop that. But they can make you more comfortable when those changes happen.

Your people definitely want to take you to the vet if they notice you’re:

• Eating more
• Eating less or not at all
• Drinking more
• Peeing more
• You can’t pee
• Suddenly gaining or losing weight
• Dropping your food
• Dibbling pee or peeing outside your box
• Poop looks different than usual
• There’s blood in your poo or pee
• Your fur or skin changes
• You develop lumps and bumps
• Your abdomen looks swollen
• Your breath smells like you ate something really dead
• Bleeding gums
• Stiffness
• Panting or wheezing or you suddenly start to snore
• Tremors or shaking
• You’ve taken a hiatus from grooming yourself
• You’ve joined the Hair Club for Cats
• You’re a cranky cat and you’re suddenly nice or a nice cat who’s suddenly cranky.
• A shy cat who becomes outgoing or an outgoing kitty who takes to hiding.

Your people can make things easier for you by setting up a cat ramp or a stool so you can still reach your favorite spot on the couch or climb up into their bed. Also elevated food bowls will make mealtimes more pain-free. They shouldn’t forget that you Oldies-But-Goodies are more sensitive to the cold. So a heated bed will make them cool owners in your eyes.

One final thing: I hope they forget the idea of bringing in a kitten to help make you feel younger. One thing that won’t make you feel younger is a youngster leaping full-force into your achy breaky bones. By the time you reach your twilight years, you don’t want to deal with the rigors or kittenhood any more than their 90-year-old Granny wants one of the Terrible Twos unleashed on her.