Dear Einstein,

Last week my human mom was taking me to the vet. I didn't want to get poked with something sharp or have anything stuck up my rear end, so as soon as she opened the car door I tore out like my tail was on fire. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I'm hungry and scared. There's a coyote who's been coming by every night. He keeps inviting me to dinner.

I found a house where the people have cats. When the lady came outside I told her I was lost. I guess she doesn't understand my Texas accent. How can I get her to help me?

I'd like to be home now, but I'm just . . .

Lost in Space

Hey Spacey,

There's not much I can say to help you; and I don't know any homing pigeons who might be able to give you advice. Your mom might be able to find you by setting a live trap baited with food near where you took off. Lost kitties usually don't wander more than a three-house distance away.

I do have some suggestions for the cat-loving lady you've asked to help you. She shouldn't assume if she doesn't feed you, you'll go away. But, what she should assume is that if she doesn't help, something bad is going to happen to you—like a surprise visit from your coyote friend.

Unfortunately, lost and abandoned cats simply don't know how to survive on their own. Most house kitties didn't learn to hunt from our moms, because Mom never had to hunt. She didn't need to. In the old days, hungry cats could sneak a snack by knocking the lid off a garbage can. But the new generation of super secure trash containers won't let abandoned kitties scrounge a meal. That means we have to resort to begging, ‘cuz otherwise we'll starve.

To be able to help you, the lady needs to figure out whether you belong to someone or you're bumming a meal cuz you're lost or homeless. Take my word for it, a newly lost cat looks like something, well that the cat dragged in; you're probably getting skinny and ungroomed. If she suspects you're cheating on another owner, she could put a collar on you with one of those barrel tags that can hold a note. Once that's done, the two-timed owner should call to set the record straight. In the meantime there's no harm in giving you a bite to eat.

Since you're scared out of your skin, you may be playing hard-to-get. To catch you, the lady should remember feline etiquette. Polite cats don't gawk at each other. We kitties consider stares threatening, so polite humans shouldn't stare either (even if you are one dapper feline who deserves adoration.) Your rescuer should hold her hand out, so you can get a sniff. A treat or bit of lunchmeat would speed up the trust process. If you were wearing ID, she should wait until you're winding in and out of her legs before she takes a look at it. When she reaches for the tag, she should do it slowly, otherwise you might think she has you on the menu.

If you've lost your tags, or never had any, your Good Samaritan can take you to the vet or animal control for a cat scan. I'm not talking about the kind where another cat walks around you, or the medical one that costs thousands of dollars. I'm talking about a scanner that looks for a rice-sized microchip, which gives off your unique number. That number is logged into a database that has your owners' address and phone number. In a short time you're eating kibble out of your own bowl and sleeping in your favorite bed.

Since you've admitted you're terrified, your Good Samaritan shouldn't just try to latch onto you. Even the friendliest kitty might bite or scratch when he's scared. If you're reluctant to be picked up, a live trap from animal control can put you in a better position for her to help you. Once the trap is baited with strong-smelling foods like tuna or sardine oil, a cat as hungry as you won't be able to resist. The good news is; now she can take you to the vet with the trap acting as your carrier.

Did you strike out for kits and (micro)chips? There's always Plan B. The Good Samaritan should call all the animal authorities (the city or county animal shelters) near where you appeared. If your community has several towns close together or you showed up near a city boundary, call them all.

Try back several times to see if the owner has contacted them. A lady I know found a mostly white cat and reported her to the city shelter. Somehow, clerks lost that report. When the owner called, they told him that they hadn't heard anything. A week later the rescuer called to see if anyone had contacted them, the clerk discovered the report had been lost. When the owner called the again, the second form was on file. Katy returned to her home that day. Persistence pays.

Some newspapers let rescuers take out a “Found Kitty” ad for free. There's a good chance your owner will be scanning the “Found Pet” column looking for you. Next your rescuer should put up “Found Kitty” signs near where you showed up. If she found you someplace else, she can post one in the exact place where she first spotted you. The “Found” signs can go in vet offices, pet stores, groomers, animal shelters, humane organization adopt-a-pets, grocery store bulletin boards, stores of nearby strip centers and apartments, and on street signs or utility poles if the city permits it. Since she lives near your vet clinic, she really needs to hang one in there.

When she's placing an ad or filing a report with the shelters she should never describe you whisker to tail. A sketchy description might get more calls, but leaving off the color of your collar or that crescent moon shape on your belly allows your family to tell the rescuer what you look like. It's the owner's responsibility to prove you are her cat, not visa versa. The caller should verify she's your owner before the rescuer gives any information out. After all, she doesn't want to hand you over to just anyone. Some evil people will claim lost pets, and then do bad things like use them as bait for fighting dog practice or sell them to a lab.

Here are questions your Good Samaritan should ask the caller: Name, and phone number (Call the number back to make sure it's legit.)

What does the kitty look like? They should be able to describe in detail the white toes, green eyes, the bulls eye spot on the side? Declawed or not? The color of the collar? The lady needs to ask lots of description questions cuz the caller may actually be trying to describe you but may be using the term ‘tabby' when she means ‘calico'. Where was kitty when he escaped? The house, the car, the vet. (Was that near where you were found?) She should ask about your mannerisms.

When your rescuer has spent weeks looking for your humans and nobody steps up to the cat box, it's time to change her focus.

To keep or not to keep? That is the question. If all her efforts fail and she can't find your family, she'll have to decide whether she wants to adopt you or find a home for you.

Unless the lady absolutely can't give you temporary sanctuary at her home, she shouldn't drop you off at a city animal shelter. Most city shelters only hold strays for only a few days before they kill them. She can call the local no-kill shelters to see if they have any room for you, but most of the time these rescue groups are up to their ears in alligators, or rather kitties.

Now I believe that every cat deserves a penthouse suite wherever he lives, but your Good Samaritan may not be able to bring you into her home. Hopefully, she'll decide it's better to feed you than to turn you over to the feds or let you starve. So here are some things she can do to make your outdoor life better for you and easier for her.

You know what Kevin Catsner says: “If you feed them, they will come.” Since your nice lady doesn't want to be up to her ears in whiskers, she should pick up your food bowls after thirty minutes, so that other kitties don't follow the food scent and try to beg a meal.

If you're still sporting your boy parts, you'll need to say goodbye to them. There are groups that will help with the cost of spaying or neutering and vaccinating a “feral” cat. While you're asleep, the vet can “tip” your left ear. That's a silent signal to animal control officers that you've been fixed and someone is feeding you. The lady can get a list of groups or vets that will provide free or discounted neuter and spay operations for feral cats by going to www.petfinder.com or by calling Alley Cat Allies (240-482-1980, www.alleycat.org) or Alley Cat Rescue (301-277-5595, www.saveacat.org.)) Studies have shown that the numbers of kitties in a feral colony naturally go down (not up) when everyone has been altered.

However, if she decides she simply can't keep you, she should be able to find you a good home. She's going to have to get the word out and then, ask a lot of questions. You know what they say, “It pays to advertise.” She can put signs up in places where animal people go: vet clinics, pet stores and animal shelters. No-kill shelters can put you on their referral list and their waiting list for cage space. Also she shouldn't rule out bulletin boards at the post office, grocery store, fitness centers and churches.

She should also charge the adopters SOMETHING for you. I know you're worth a million clams, but she should ask at least $20 or $30 dollars for you, especially if she had to pay to fix you. That assures her that your “future family's” intentions are honorable. If she really must give you away, word the ad, “Free to the RIGHT home.”

When screening potential adopters she should be friendly and conversational, and ask lots of questions. She'll get more information than if they think she's not interrogating them. She should go with her gut instinct. She's not obligated to hand you over to a stranger just cuz they show interest. If the people are vague or evasive about their answers like where they live or other pets they've owned, or who their vet is, that's a warning sign. She should ask potential adopters:

Have you ever had a pet? If their pet died recently, she should find out what happened. If they say a car hit it, it disappeared, or the neighbor dog killed it, those are warning flags.

What kind of pets do they have? Do they have a pit bull or a Jack Russell Terrier want to eat you? Are they inside or outside pets? These are all good indications of how you'll be treated.

Who's your vet? Call the clinic. They may not tell you if the family has been a poor pet owner, but you might be able to glean some information by the tone or hesitation of the person she talks to. If the people are responsible cat owners, the office would probably be glad to say so.

Do you plan on declawing him? If the answer is yes, ask if they know what the operation really entails, and offer other solutions. If they're sold on declawing and you're past the kitten stage, (which makes the procedure more painful and dangerous), move on. If you're still very young, ask if you're to be an indoor or outdoor cat. Indoor, with only front (never back!) paws declawed; Maybe.

Outdoor (even occasionally), and declawed? Never!

What happens if you have to move? This is one of the most common reasons for surrendering a pet to a shelter. Before she hands you over to anyone, she should ask to see ID and get a phone number. Legitimate adopters shouldn't mind her caution.

Hopefully you and this cat lady will start communicating like cell phones with a cheap calling plan and you'll be back all comfy at your real home, or even a snazzy new one really soon. And, oh yeah, and I'll bet your mom puts you in a carrier next time she takes you somewhere.