Dear Einstein,

I was thrown from a car by a mean man. I had trouble getting out of the street cuz my left leg felt like it was on fire and it flopped around when I walked on it. A nice lady picked me up out of the street and took me to a place where there’s a lot of other cats and yappy dogs. I took a catnap. When I woke up my front leg was gone! I’ve heard people say, “I’d lose my head if it weren’t attached.” I thought my leg was attached. I’ve lost catnip toys and fur mice before but I didn’t think I could lose a whole leg.

Anyway, people are always coming to the shelter to take cats home with them, but when they see my missing leg, they keep on walking. I can purr as loud as a cat with a fourth leg. I can love just as much as the next guy. What can I do to convince the next family I’ll be as good a friend as any other kitty?

Peggy

Hey Peg,

You gotta convince folks that you’re just as good as any other cat. For many homes, you’re better. People don’t know it, but there are handicats out there. Some with problems like blindness, deafness, cerebellar hypoplasia or cerebral palsy, or, like you, missing a leg, who would work out better in a home situation than a hot looking Persian. That Persian might be great to look at, but I’m telling you, she’s high maintenance. And I bet she wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to jump up on the table or swing from the chandelier.

Cuz you might only be able to count to 13 instead of 18 like a full-figured cat, but you, Peg, have a leg up on even a beauty cat. Hard as it is to imagine, some people don’t like cat fur as a condiment. Since it’s nearly impossible for you to jump on the counter, you’d be a great choice for folks who don’t want the family cat backseat cooking. Besides, you can’t scale the drapes and you can only scratch the couch half as much as other cats. For these types, Peg, you are the perfect pet. Of course, that also means you’d have a heckuva hard time getting away from vicious dogs or persistent toddlers. So people who have rotten kids or want an outside cat should spare you the misery and adopt a cat with all four legs.

Handicats don’t have the same hang-ups about missing parts and disabilities that humans do. Kitties don’t get our knickers in a wad over the loss of a leg. We don’t worry about what we will look like, and the other kitties won’t tease us. We just figure out the best way to hop around and get on with our lives. It may be hard to believe but most kitties are up and about the day after they loose their leg. Tripods can do almost anything other cats can do.

If the folks can’t find a three-legged cat, they should consider one of those guys born with cerebellar hypoplasia or cerebral palsy. They’re wobbly and they look like they’ve had a little too much catnip, but they still love their loving and most of them can use a litter box just fine.

So see, there are all kinds of advantages to having handicats. Take a blind cat, please. Blind cats will force their people to keep their homes clean and tidy because they get confused when furniture or stacks of stuff are moved around. Just keep the food and water dishes in the same place and they’re a happy camper. Believe it or not, Dr. Bob Munger, cat ophthalmologist extraordinaire, tells me that blind cats make great pets. “But don’t move the furniture.” He says that blind cats are amazingly proficient hunters. They can easily nail a fly, and sometimes even the occasional rodent. Sort of a new twist on “Three Blind Mice.”

When blind kitties first come to their new homes, they may be prone to bumping into furniture. A little foam or padding wrapped around furniture legs will reduce unnecessary headaches. And putting a little dab of perfume on the legs of the furniture not only makes them smell good to people, it make them easier for a visually challenged cat to find without slamming into them. While most visually impaired kitties quickly memorize routes through the house, they occasionally bump into the stop signs.

Blind kitties will jump in your lap, but they don’t like to be picked up cuz when you put them down, they don’t know where the heck they are. And moving a blind cat’s litter box is a huge no-no and a not-very-funny-joke that will have the humans mopping up the mess. It goes without saying that no one should tease the blind cat unless they want a demonstration on feline dentistry. Neither blind nor deaf cats should be startled or suddenly awakened.

Like all handicats, blind kitties can’t go outside unless accompanied by a human. He can’t see hazards, so his people gotta make sure he can’t accidentally fall into swimming pools or from balconies. He can’t see cars and big dogs and can’t map out escape routes in unfamiliar territory. But an outside cat enclosure or a yard with a cat fence might be just what the kitty ordered.

And let’s hear it for deaf kitties! They make great companions. Maynard, a hearing impaired tuxedo, gave me some insight into living without sound. He tells me that deaf cats do well around nice kids because they can’t hear the shrieking and screaming that drive the rest of us into the deepest bowels of the house. Because deaf cats startle easily when sleeping, families with mean or mischievous kids don’t make an ideal homes. When startled, he’ll be happy to introduce a tormentor to the business end of his claw. (Humans can safely approach a sleeping deaf cat by patting the cushion next to him or tapping on a wood floor.) Deaf cats adapt to new homes more easily than hearing cats do; unlike their hearing counterparts, they don’t usually hide. They don’t mind the vacuum cleaner and they’re often party animals cuz they’re not afraid of the noise.

Some deaf cats are very yowl-y. They call out more often than hearing kitties and more loudly cuz they can’t hear their own voice and they don’t know how loud they really are. Others don’t talk at all.

Deaf kitties keep track of what’s going on around them by feeling vibrations. Maynard says he can’t hear the front door open, but he can feel it. So he can greet his folks just like any other cat. People can communicate with their deaf friends using vibrations and hand signals.  A collar with a bell makes it easier to find him when he’s moving around the house.  People need to keep tabs on their deaf cat to keep him safe. Since they are fearless, they can get into trouble that wouldn’t be a problem for a hearing cat. They can’t hear things that would warn a normal kitty to stay out of the way like a car horn, a person shouting, or a barking dog.

And cerebellar hypoplasia kitties also have advantages. They teach human kids to persevere no matter what. They don’t jump on the furniture, counters, or tables and they’re perfect for sanitation-obsessed people who object to paw prints on the dinner table. They can do just about anything else a normal feline friend can do, just not as fast and not in a direct route. Pillows or carpets will become the kitty’s safety net should he wobble his way off a windowsill. CH cats need a litter pan that won’t tip over and stable bowls, too.

See, Peg. There’s hope for you. Who could resist a cat that hops like a bunny and stays off the counter? Soon a family will walk right past that snooty Persian, and recognize that you’re not just the right cat for the job. You’re purrfect.

Suggestions for the Human Who Wants to Keep Their Handicat Safe:
 Keep handicats indoors, or allow outside only with human supervision. They either can see or hear danger or they can’t run get away from an attacker.
 Keep the toilet lid closed.
 Get on your hands and knees (kitty eye level.) Get rid of sharp or jutting objects
 Put up barriers to outside doors, stairways, balconies and other dangerous areas.