Oh brother, Einstein,

Have I got my tail in a world of trouble! One of the neighbor kids left the front door open, and I thought it would be fun to go on a little walkabout. Woohoo. I killed a baby bird and yanked the tail right off of a lizard. What fun! But when I tried to get back in the house, the door was closed. Then, the chow next door tried to make a rag doll out of me, and I’m not talking about the longhaired show cat with the big belly. Trying to get away from him, I lost track of where I was.

Einstein, I’m so hungry I had to play the feline version of Fear Factor. I had to eat a grasshopper. Those legs sure scratched on the way down. I’m hungry, thirsty, it’s hot as the dickens and the fleas think I’m their private food bank.

I’d like to be home now, but I just . . .

Wally

Bummer AWOL-ly,

Sometimes “The Great Outdoors” isn’t so great. There’s nothing sadder than being a lost cat. I’ve been there. You’re hungry and scared out of your skin. But the truth is you’ve got good reason to have the poop scared out of you. You know what they say, “Just cuz you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.”

In addition to giant hounds who’d be happy to turn you into dog meat, there are wild predators like coyotes, foxes and wolves who’d love to invite you to dinner. . .as the main course. Not to mention those un-fun matches: 10-pound cat vs. 1000-pound car. We kitties never win.

Here’s the good news: cats don’t normally wander off too far. There’s not much I can say to help you, but I have some suggestions for your humans that will give you a better chance to see the inside of your home again. As soon as your family discovers you’re AWOL, they need to send out a search party. Waiting a few days to see if you come back won’t cut the muster. A few days could be too late.

Mom needs to immediately call in a lost cat report to the animal control offices in your area. Some towns have lots of little nearby cities, so she’d be smart to call all of them within thirty miles of your home. (Sometimes we get up inside car engines and take an unexpected ride.) A lot of pounds put animals to sleep within a few days of picking them up, so Mom’s got no time to waste.

Be nice to those animal control officers. Bring them cookies on a plate with your photo taped to it. That should help ensconce your face in their memories. Also call animal rescue groups with names containing “humane society” (such as the Humane Society of North Texas or San Diego Humane Society) because people often confuse them with animal control.

Mom should remember that seeing is believing, so she needs to go to the slammer to eyeball the cats personally. She may describe your stripes calico, while the shelter worker calls them tabby. Your mom should ask the city to check the “deceased animals” list to see if you’ve started singing with the cat choir eternal.

Once your mom has gotten chummy with the pound people, she needs to turn you into a celebrity. They say, “Two eyes are better than one.” But two hundred eyes are better than two or even ten.

Think “Fuller Brush” and go door-to-door, passing out flyers with your mug on it and talking to folks. That way, lots of people will be looking for you, not just your family. Some of my sources say that flyers and signs (lots of them taped up on anything that won’t move) bearing your handsome visage are the best way to get a wayward cat home. If you live in an area where it is wet (not our favorite weather), she might want to buy some of that clear shelf paper to cover your sign so it doesn’t turn to mush at the first rain

Your signs should be easy to read from a distance. Across the top she can offer a reward, (believe me, you’re worth a huge one), but the amount of money should be left off. Your handsome whiskers should be plastered prominently everywhere, in color if possible. The flyer should include the approximate area where you disappeared, your breed, color and markings. Mom’s phone number should be there, but leave off her name and address. Don’t put all your identifying information on the flyer. Leave off the part about your crooked tail, the white spot on the belly or that little rip in the ear so your mom can make sure the people claiming to have you can prove it. Also cuz there are bad people who would take advantage of the situation, she shouldn’t go by herself to pick you up.

Since you’re an inside cat your folks should go to every house as far as three blocks away in every direction (farther if they have the time and the energy. For outside cats they should double that.) Talk to your neighbors. Give them flyers. Ask them to check their garage, storage shed and under the deck. Mom should put up flyers in places like grocery stores, pet stores, street signs posts, in front yards, on fences, convenient stores, schools, anyplace they will let you. Hey, Mom can pin a flyer to the first-grader before she sends him off to school. Maybe some of the other elementary-schoolers have seen you. Give flyers to neighborhood kids playing outside cuz they’re the ones who are where your action is. They’re the best cat catchers. Pass ‘em out to the postal carrier, UPS guy, paperboy or girl.

She shouldn’t forget to call area vets and report you MIA—maybe even take flyers by. If you got hurt, some Good Samaritan might take you to a clinic. Even if you’re fine, a pet owner may recognize you as the cat sleeping under their car.

When she’s passing out flyers, she should be looking for you. Storm drains are a perennial favorite hiding spot amongst lost kitties. We like to take cover in small dark, and hard-to-see-in places like under cars, inside shrubbery and under decks. Hunting around dusk with a really bright flashlight will make our eye glow pop out. While she’s searching she’ll want to carry a pillowcase. It’s light and she can tuck it inside her belt. It’s hands-free. Besides, if you see the clunky cat carrier, it may trigger the old scared-of-vets-with-pointy-things response. If she can get close enough, she can just slip the pillowcase over your head and voila, the “cat’s in the bag” has new meaning.

Since we think with our stomachs, Mom should carry some stinky cat food, or tuna, mackerel or sardines packed in oil. Dribbling tuna oil or cat food juice down inside the storm drain will surely get a hungry cat’s attention. Then plop a tablespoon of cat food on top of a storm drain. In an hour if the food’s gone, Mom can consider that one of your likely hiding spots. If you know what the sound of the can opener means, have your human play the sound and you can play, “Name that Tuna.” Of course, that would take a really long electrical cord.

We are notorious for not responding to our humans when we’ve switched over to survival mode. Your folks shouldn’t give up if they can’t find you right away. Those guys at the Humane Society of the United States say that cats who have been lost for months have been reunited with their owners if they’re persistent. Most feline defectors never get more than three houses away.

Around the house, Mom can put food and water outside so you’ll to keep your stomach from growling and to keep you nearby. She can make a trail up and down the street with your used cat litter. Think of it as Hansel and Gretel’s stones, only stinkier. Instead of pebbles, your mom’s using your own scent to lead you home. Make a little pile of litter in someplace in the yard.

Another thing, they should call out your name, then listen in case you decide to have a conversation. The truth is, when we kitties are scared, we’re notorious for hiding from people—even if they’re our best friend in the whole world. If calling around dusk doesn’t inspire you to go home from dinner, then maybe she should make a later dinner date with you, sometime around 3 a.m. Wandering around even the best neighborhood could be dangerous for both you and your mom at 3 a.m., so she could just try standing outside her house or apartment and softly calling your name. Sometimes we kitties think more clearly early in the morning when everything’s quiet. We’re hiding (with good reason) from cars, kids, boom boxes, lawnmowers and motorcycles. At 0-300 (as the military say) we’re more likely to hear you and respond. When there’s no traffic or people making noise, you might just have the courage to call out, “Here I am.” That recently happened to my buddy, BK (stands for Blind Kitty.) Even calling in the early morning doesn’t always work the first time. It took BK’s mom two weeks of searching and five nights of late-night cat-calling to bring him home again. So if you can’t screw up your courage to answer her on the first night, she shouldn’t give up.

Even if your mom figures out where you are, you may be too afraid to let her get close to you. So she might have to resort to using a live trap. Most animal controls or humane societies will lend or rent them out. Remember the stinky foods, that’s what she should bait the trap. Even the most suspicious brother can be lured into a trap with by dribbling a trail of tuna oil or nibbles of stinky cat food (not even a teaspoon) up into the trap. Since fireants are not your friend, hopefully your mom will place a blob of food inside an itty-bitty bowl, then place that bowl in a slightly larger bowl of soapy water. If the sides of the two bowls don’t touch, the ants go hungry and you don’t. The food can await your hungry mouth on the other side of the pedal. If Mom borrows the trap from someone, she’d best wash it off with soapy water and rinse it to get rid of the smell of other critters. Because scaredy cats move around more under the cloak of darkness, Mom should set her trap at dusk. That way you won’t fry in the blistering summer heat.

Of course, the best plan is to make sure you never go on a walkabout unattended. Your chances of getting back home are improved if your mom plans for the worst ahead of time. You should do something trendy and get some body piercing, something along the line of a stylish microchip. Also a collar with a stylish identification tag will also get you home in a timelier manner.