I’ve been known to over indulge in the food department. I can’t resist salmon snacks or canned cat food or dry cat food or people food or dog food. Come to think of it, if I can digest it, I’ll eat it. My human, who hasn’t missed any meals himself, says it’s time for us both to go on a diet. He’s cut me back to a thimble full of something that tastes like sawdust. Help me. I’m starving to death.

Brando the Bloated

I admit it. I’m on little on the chunky side, myself. It all started to innocently enough. After all, we kitties are masters of guilt persuasion. It just takes one pathetic glance to make my human melt like high cholesterol butter. She gives in every time. (Believe me, I’ve got the girth to prove it.) Hey, one little bite of my human’s sandwich won’t hurt me, will it? But many sandwich bites later, I’m sorry to say, my girth has expanded—to the size of Denver. The truth is: one little snack may not hurt, but you’d be amazed at how little it takes to add up in a big way around the waist.

Brando, according to Margie Scherk, DVM, ABVP, if you eat just ten extra pieces every day more than you need of regular cat food, you can lay on pound of lard in one year! Now that may not be a big deal for your 150-pound human, but that’s ten percent of a 10-pound cat’s weight. In a few years you’ll have to be fitted with a “Wide Load” sign.

Some of these university smart guys tell me that 30% of Human-Americans are obese and they want their kitties to look just like them. We do. In the U.S. and Canada cats are stepping in their owners’ ever widening footsteps; 25% of cats are somewhere between portly and obese, said Michele Gaspar, DABVP. Hey, I resemble that remark!

There’s a reason why American cats keep increasing their collar size. We sleep all day, watch TV at night and sneak snacks whenever we can. A cat foraging for his food in the wild doesn’t usually get fat. Granted, he may sleep 16 hours a day, but the rest of the time he works hard for his food: running, jumping, climbing trees. A natural cat may have to kill between five and 10 mice a day to keep his home fires burning. See, we felines are designed to eat a lot of little meals not eat from a trough.

Serving size isn’t the only problem. What we eat can pack on the pounds. Even though some people worry about the long-term affects of a high-protein/low carbohydrate diet on humans, for we kitties the Catkins Diet is just what the doctor ordered. Our finely tuned bodies are designed to eat mice and birds. And note to big cat food makers: “Mice and birds are mostly animal protein and fat. There’s not many fillers or carbs in them,” Dr. Scherk said.

Unfortunately pet food manufacturers don’t sell mouse cat food. Because kitties are obligate carnivores, we aren't designed to metabolize carbohydrates. Those guys who make kibble may say the natural (wild) cat eats some grain and greenery. But get real. How much grain can there be in a mouse’s gut? The rest of the mouse is unadulterated flesh, bone and fat in just the right proportions. All those grains in the dry food are just empty calories, and do they spread the waistline! Unfortunately, it’s hard to make dry cat food without them.

Being a fat cat may be a good thing in the corporate world, but it could be a world of trouble if your genus is felis. According to Dr. Scherk.Your ever expanding waistline puts you at risk for diabetes, hepatic lipidosis, arthritis, feline lower urinary tract infections (LUTI) and even skin disorders.

If you’re a tubby tabby, go to the vet; there may be a medical reason for you waist expansion program. Include your vet in your kitty weight loss plan. Since you don’t have to fit into a prom dress by a certain date, there’s no reason to rush your reduction. In fact, starving you or forcing your rapid weight loss can result in a possibly fatal condition called hepatic lipidosis or fatty liver disease. You don’t want to go there. Sudden weight loss causes a lot of fat to accumulate in the liver. That causes your stomach to feel pukey. Then, cuz you have an upset stomach you don’t feel like eating. And cuz you don’t feel like eating, your stomach feels worse. It’s a vicious cycle, and harder to ride than a one-wheeler. Eventually, you’ll have to be force-fed, either by mouth using a feeding syringe or through a surgically implanted tube that goes directly into your stomach. Neither of those options is a bed of catnip. Moral of the story, take your vet’s advice and take it slow.

The vet may recommend a high protein/low carb diet. She might warn you to stay away from dry cat foods altogether. While kibble may be more convenient than canned, it contains a higher grain content. And just eating less of your current food won’t help shed the pounds because you may not get enough protein and other good stuff you need. If you don’t like your new diet, have your human contact your vet. Unlike dogs, we kitties can’t be starved into eating a certain food. If you go without food for even a few days you can develop that fatty liver disease I told you about earlier. Welcome to the paradox and quandary of kitty weight loss.

Remember, too much of the wrong food and lack of exercise add to our flab factor. So, your human’s going to have to get off of her duff and lead some exercise classes. I can’t tell you the last time I saw a cat with a pair of dumbbells (unless you count the family dogs), and chances are, she’s not going to get you do any jumping jacks or tummy crunches. But she can get you to use up some of your energy the same way a wild cat expends a great deal of his—by hunting.

"She can create hunting opportunities by putting a yummy high quality kibble (not treats) in a treatball or devising a treasure hunt," said Alice Moon-Fanelli. She's a Certified Applied Animal Behaviorist with the Animal Behavior Clinic at Tufts University. Your folks can hide treats throughout the house. If you want to eat, you have to track down all the munchies. Like our wild counterparts, you get to hunt; it’ll keep you busy busy all day long and out of trouble. If your mom puts your kibble in a treatball you’ll have to push it around to get your dinner. Hey, it’s better than sitting around watching Jerry Springer Spaniel on TV.

Another variation is for your human mom to divide your daily ration into six or seven mouse-sized portions and place it in tiny sushi soy sauce bowls all over the house—in different rooms, on top of things, under furniture. She should make you work for it, recommended Dr. Scherk. And you’ll only be able to eat measured portions at a time.

They say that humans should eat slowly because it takes a few minutes for their brains to tell them their stomachs are full. It does the same for you. By eating throughout the day, you’re keeping the metabolic furnace fired up all day long. It takes more energy to digest over 12 hours than it does to process one or two big feedings.

These university vets tell me just cuz there’s some blubber under the belt doesn’t mean your mom can’t sneak you an occasional treat, but they say treats should serve a purpose other than to just spoil you. When Mom gives you medicine, trims your toenails or teaches you tricks, she can use treats as a bribe or reward. (But look at it this way, you can really be the one doing the training. If she’s teaches you ‘shake’, then shake all the time. They can’t resist that. The quicker you learn a trick, the more treats you get.)

Now you have to convince your human to dump the processed treat. Joseph W. Bartges, B.S., D.V.M., Ph.D., DACVIM, DACVN, Professor, Medicine and Nutrition, suggested rewarding with lower calorie all-meat treats: turkey baby food, bonito flakes, freeze dried chicken or fish. They have far fewer carbohydrates than snack with grains and all the empty calories that grains contain. His rule of thumb - everything in moderation. Don’t eat treat more than five percent of your diet. Avoid treats that contain in any form of onion and garlic, chocolate, grapes, raisins, grains and sugars.

One last thing, the treatballs and treasure hunts may get you off of your duff, but you need to burn more calories if you want to shed some kitty cellulite. If there aren’t mice running around the house who can give you a little cardiovascular exercise, then your mom will have to become a mouse substitute. Get the old pump going twice a day for ten minutes chasing feathers or fur on a stick.