Hey Einstein,

I’m a little worried these days. I hear the holidays are coming up and the cat down the way tells me last year he had to go to an emergency clinic. He spent a bunch of days with a tube stuck in his leg all cuz he took one bite of a flower. The vet said if his people hadn’t caught him eating the flower, he’d have been a goner. He said he was just testing the taste of some big bloom his human got as a gift, and wham, he’s sick as a dog. Another dude I know straddled a candle. For a while it looked like moths had chewed a hole in his coat.

Should I hide until the holidays are over? I don’t want to look like I was attacked by a beauty school dropout.

Holly

Ho Ho Holly,

Let’s paws to think about this some more. Christmas and Hanukkah are supposed to be joyous seasons, but it’s a time when people feel the need to turn the house upside down, almost literally. A lot of weird things happen during the holidays.

At Christmas people bring a tree home, set it up and then howl like a beagle in heat when you try to climb it. And the Festival of Lights isn’t a picnic either with all those candles and the smell of smoldering cat fur. Holidays throughout the year can be tough on us kitties. And they can stop us dead in out tracks.

I’ve never understood why humans give other people a gift of plants that can kill kitties. If they love us, shouldn’t they be careful about what they give other cat people? High on the Stupid Gifts List are candles. All it takes is a lighted candle and a friendly bump from a kitty like you and—poof—like magic, the house is up in smoke. Or you could get a really nasty burn.

And speaking of ow-ies, people may think they’re ratcheting things up a few safety notches by substituting liquid potpourri in a simmering pot for flaming candles. But they’re not really. It’s true; potpourri pots stink up the house with cinnamon and orange like candles do, but you’d have to work hard to set the house on fire with one of those. According to those smart docs at the ASPCA/Animal Poison Control Center (APCC), simply brushing up against potpourri cooker can burn your skin, mouth and even your eyes. Cats, who aren’t so high up on the IQ ladder, have actually drunk from the pot and really found themselves in a world of hurt. But even cats who are smarter than to sip straight from a magnolia-scented fountain can swallow some of the mixture. After walking through some spilled liquid or rubbing up against the cooker your skin or paws burn, so you lick them off. Then it burns your mouth and throat. Even though your mom tried to be safety conscious, you’re in a world of hurt. It can rough up dogs a bit too, but dogs aren’t the sensitive souls we kitties are, and most of them aren’t limber enough to get on a counter or table.

As if that’s not enough to worry about, there’s the holiday plant problem. Some plants traditionally given and received as holiday gifts are highly toxic to us kitties. Left unsupervised, some of our bored feline cousins will chew on plants instead of watching Animal Planet. Folks who would never dream of being careless with bottled poisons, may not give a second thought to the foliage they keep inside or give to other cat owners. Some of the most innocent-looking flowers are way worse than the potpourri. Your people should deep six anything in the lily family (including Easter lily, as well as Stargazer, Tiger, Asian, Japanese Show and Casa Blanca lilies) before it deep sixes you. APCC says just chewing on a lily leaf will shut down your kidneys. You might just as well have a drink of antifreeze on the rocks. Putting off treatment more than 18 hours can end in, well, everything. The big, “The End.” And the last words won’t be, “…and they lived happily ever after.” They won’t even be, “…and they lived…” Now, you wanna hear something really unfair? Dogs may puke their innards out if they eat lilies, but they won’t do not much more than Rolf saying ‘ralph’. Lucky dogs! So try to remind your human when he orders flowers for the Misses, to forget the lilies. Roses are more romantic and you can chew on the petals to your heart's content.

But wait; there’s more! Mistletoe has properties similar to a castor bean. (Remember the subway attack of ricin in Tokyo a few years ago?) You don’t want to be sampling any of that stuff. Other plants or flowers that your people shouldn’t have in the house cuz they are considered somewhere between toxic and deadly by the APCC are Star-of-Bethlehem, eucalyptus, Jerusalem cherry, and most any plant bulb.

Despite their deadly reputation, Poinsettias are mostly bark and not much bite. The APCC says they cause stomach upset and puking, but aren’t considered the cat killers they once were. But that doesn’t mean they are necessarily safe, either. Because of all the drooling and ralphing you could get dehydrated.

This can happen to anyone’s cat. One Christmas Eve, cat doctor extraordinaire Patricia Hague, owner of the Cat Hospital of Los Colinas in Irving, Texas, got a poinsettia as a Christmas present. Being nosy, as kitties often are, Dr. Hague’s four-month old checked the plant out with her mouth. Dr. Hague spent that Christmas Eve sleeping on the couch at her office monitoring her kitten and pumping intravenous fluids. The kitten survived, but as Dr. Hague says, “Curiosity almost killed the cat. Not everyone is as lucky as I was.”

And your namesake plant, Holly, with its spiky leaves and red berries, also causes upset belly.

Other plants that are going to leaving you feeling either poopy to pukey, and probably require an expensive trip to the vet are: Christmas rose, philodendron, dieffenbachia, elephant ear, Boston or English ivy, and pyracantha. Almost any plant will cause vomiting in us because we kitties aren’t herbivores.

Those APCC folks say (with the exception of lilies that kill with just a nibble) the severity of a poisoning depends on the how much poison the cat swallows, how concentrated it is and how much the kitty weighs. A kitten’s going to get a lot sicker than a 16-pound Turkish Van.

When your people buy arrangements for cat-loving friends they should tell the florist to leave off lilies or any of the killer plants I just mentioned. They can read a list of non-toxic plants at www.aspca.org/site/PageServer?pagename=pro_apcc_nontoxicplants.) Hey what’s wrong with a nice arrangement of roses or ferns or even silk plants? If your people must have toxic flowers or plants, they should keep them out of your reach and spray them with bitter apple.

As if we don’t already have enough problems with plants, folks bring a tree into the house and expect us to leave it alone. How can we possibly resist climbing a tree? They decorate it with wiggly wires, blinking lights and tinsel that shimmers and flows like a cat toy. Then they get their knickers all in a wad when we try to take advantage of this very neat gift. The word is that these lights and wires and can bewitch us right into the emergency clinic.

If people insist on tempting us with trees, they need to use their heads. They can secure it to the wall or ceiling with heavy fishing line. That won’t stop us from scaling it, but at least it won’t fall over and break a bunch of ornaments.

They need to make sure you can’t drink the Christmas tree water cuz it could contain toxic preservatives or fertilizer. Stagnant tree water can breed a whole galaxy of disgusting bacteria that can have you projectile vomiting all over the house. Since the light cords look and act just like a snake or lizard, they’re begging to be bitten! Vets tell me if we chomp down on a wire, expect a surprise like a badly burned mouth or a six foot-deep hole in the backyard.

Dr. Hague, says she’s known kitties burned so badly from chewing on Christmas lights strands that they had to have surgery to rebuild their mouths. Bummer. Smart people spray lights with bitter apple. This tastes nasty. But it’s not a cure-all. Some kitty cousins are very determine and will chew anyway.

Anything stringy says to us kitties, “Bite me!” And I mean anything. Tinsel, thread for stringing popcorn, and ribbons can put a crimp in the holiday gift budget if kitty eats it and has to have a vet cut it out of your gut. There’s no end to what can kill us. And string in our gut is up there at the top of the list right after lilies.

Your people should put ribbon or yarn on packages they’re giving to fellow cat lovers. Instead, have your mom cat hot glue an ornament or silk flowers directly to the wrapping paper.

And rather than of putting those Mylar icicles on the tree, your people can try decorating with dried or silk baby's breath dusted with glitter. If they must use tinsel, your people should probably sprits it with bitter apple to make it less appealing.

And if all those things I’ve already talked about weren’t enough to ruin your holiday, there’s a whole list of foods you’re not supposed eat, either. Dr. Hague says she’s our friend, but she tells people not to share more than an occasional bite of turkey breast with the feline friends. The APCC warned against feeding pets fatty foods so it’s a good idea to let your mom keep walking with all those enticing fried Hanukkah goodies. Rich, fatty food makes pets, especially pooches, prone to pancreatitis. Tempting as they are to gnaw on, bones from the cooked bird can splinter and become lodged in your throat or puncture your esophagus, stomach or intestine. Bummer. And your people shouldn’t feed you anything with garlic, onions or chives in it since it can cause anemia. There’s no end to the possible disaster facing us. Grapes and raisins have the potential to cause kidney failure. Also avoid avocado, coffee, macadamia nuts, moldy or spoiled foods and salt.

Instead, of sneaking potentially hurtful human snacks, your people could probably make you just as happy with by offering you some licks of turkey baby food (without onion powder.)

One canine buddy told me after eating unbaked yeast dough, he had to get better just to die. Unbaked yeast dough can rise in the belly. That dog ate so much raw dough the vet actually had to cut him open. APCC says cats are usually too smart to go after bread dough.

Since Hanukkah’s the season of chocolate coins, it’s worth mentioning that chocolate’s a bad thing for both cats and dogs. Folks should warn their kids not to feed the chocolate Gelt coins to pets. We kitties usually don’t taste sweet things, so we’re seldom interested. But those big dumb dogs really like chocolate. If they have a sweet tooth, they can really pack chocolate away. Man, you don’t want to see a hyper dog on a chocolate high. It’s not a pretty sight. Those poison control folks said chocolate contains a toxic substance called theobromine, that cat and dog livers can’t process. It causes vomiting, restlessness, heart disturbances and, gads, sometimes even curtains. And I'm not talking the ones you climb. The darker baking chocolate is way worse. The kids shouldn’t leave their candy and wrappers around cuz they can block the old intestines. Hard candy can choke and wrappers can block intestines, too.

Also when it comes to sweet stuff, people shouldn’t let cats or dogs eat anything containing the artificial sweetener, xylitol, cuz it’s toxic to pets. If pusses or pooches eat enough of it, it can cause a sudden drop in blood sugar resulting in depression, and even seizures. And lack of coordination may be a natural state for dogs, but no cat wants to look uncoordinated. And while we’re talking about looking drunk, booze and pets don’t mix. Your folks shouldn’t let the dope down the street give you or even the dog a sip of beer. Hooch can cause fatal respiratory failure.

Now that I’ve brightened your day, Holly, my final words of advice are: stay low and don’t bite anything that doesn’t say “cat food” on the packaging. Hopefully you’ll survive the holidays. If your folks don’t take these steps to keep you safe over the holidays, I’d leave something besides coal in their Christmas stocking.

If your person suspects that either you or the dog has ingested a toxic plant or other poison, immediately call the ASPCA/Animal Poison Control Center at 888-426-4435. This is not a free service; there is a $50 per case consultation fee. If the poisoning is related to a product, some manufacturers will pay the consultation fee.